!!! warning that this blog entry is a vent and i might use some foul language !!!

i have such a complicated relationship with art.. its basically just like a double edge sword. on one hand, the experience of drawing is really calming to me. especially the sketch phase where i just let my imagination run free and doing the fine line work is pretty relaxing its like watching it come to life. but on the other side, the final product is what makes me feel miserable in the end. its never good enough for my already high standard. i may be proud of it for like, 5 minuets then when its time to post it, i wake up and open my phone and then im like, "what the fuck did i just make yesterday... looks like crocodile shit" and the cycle repeats... it feels like im stuck in a cage and going through a loop, ive been trying to imitate the 2000s anime style for literal years and its still not even good enough all my previous attempts look like shit and my current style STILL dosent look good enough. i dont even understand why i have so many views on this stupid mess of a website and why others like my art so much. it wanst my intention. i miss so badly when i had 100 followers. what the hell man T__T

i almost want to quit and die but my problem is that i truly love doing this ......... evrey single time i make a new attempt to draw some generic ass anime girl i feel like its terrible and so i try again......and again and again and again. i want to cry!! and the fact evrey one else who draws in this style does it better.... theyre so ahead of me they already know anatomy and perspective and shading and i still feel like im in square one IT DRIVES ME FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!!!! im an adult i should be a better level but im not...... i draw like a kid still. evrey time my site is on the front page i feel like it sticks out like a sore thumb my coding skills are so bad compared to evreyone else and i feel a deep pit in my stomach, i feel like im taking away attention and views from more talented people who actually deserve it. and even worse when im featured in some stupid ass youtube video its just pouring more salt in my wound T_T

and i hate that whenever i talk about being insecure about my artwork, people are immediatley come going like "noo dont be so hard on yoursef its good" UGH SHUT UP you dont even know in the slightest what is going on in my head, even worse when its someone with more talent/followers. at this point just go ahead and laugh in my face, just admit that youre just saying that out of pity and you dont really mean it. i get the pit in my stomach kinda feeling whenever that happens. it really just feels like leonardo davinci coming up to a childs scribbles and saying it looks good. IT FEELS LIKE BULLYING!!!!! even if i know theyre tryinmg to be nice, it just comes off that way. is this too extreme? maybe. i dont care. it just hurts keeping all of this in. this is why i dont really freak out when i get noticed by famous people because it just feels uncomfortable for me. i just like to watch them from far away and thats it. to be honest i will probably never get it at all. i know that getting attention from famous people is something i should use as a strength and a flex instead, and it felt good at first but now a bunch of people with thousands of followers/subscribers approaching me at all times is just really overwhelming to me and im starting to dread it. its a huge burden for me.

its litterally so confusing too when one of my animations gets thousands of likes on tiktok..... this dohgshit low quality poorly edited bullshit with random music gets thousands of likes.... like okay dude. then i see REAL talented peoples animations get less?? WHATS EVEN THE APPEAL MY ANIMATIONS ARE PURE DOGSHIT JUST SOME RETARDED DOGSHIT.. the tiktok algorithm sucks anyways. whatever. to be honest i was only animating again because i was jealous of other people and i wanted to copy them. i forgot the joy i felt when i finished one or something, i love the dopamine hit after posting, but looking back they all look terrible and unpleasant to the eye. all i see is the mistakes and thats it. and when the comments start flooding in and call it "peak" and act like its the greatest thing created in the universe i just get that pit feeling again... those voices in my head just wont shut up they WONT GO AWAY.

the cherry on top is that i never choose to think like this, i really want to be stronger and more confident and a better person but no matter how much i try i just fall back to the same exact mindset as before and it just so exauhsting, i feel like ill just always be this way if i truly love what i do. the only reason i havent quit or gotten off the internet is because I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! I LOVE ART I LOVE CREATING I LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY !!!!!! i really want to be a better artist... the best of them all but i really cant. evreything is just that terrible in my eyes. no matter how far i come.

Mimi ~ Sun Sep 6, 2026